Jenny Lawson, full-grown mammal: an introduction -- I already forgot I wrote this -- Six times I've lost my shoes while wearing them: a list that shouldn't exist -- And then I bought condoms for my dog -- Rainbow fire -- All of the reasons why I'm not coming to your party -- Samuel L. Jackson is trying to kill me -- How do dogs know they have penises? -- These truisms leave out a lot of the truth -- An open letter to my health insurance company -- I'm not going outside anymore -- The things we do to quiet the monsters -- The golden (shower) years -- Awkwarding brings us together -- That time I got haunted by lizards with bike horns -- We are who we are until we aren't anymore -- Introverts unite! (But sweet baby Jesus, not in real life) -- My dentist hates me -- Am I even still alive? -- The secret to a long marriage -- So I'm paying to beat the shit out of myself? -- Anxiety is a lost watch I never saw -- The eight billionth argument I had with Victor this week -- Sometimes there is beauty in breaking -- No one wants your handwritten "Good for one free massage" coupons, Darryl -- I feel it in my bones -- Editing is hell, mostly for editors -- The first satanic ritual I ever saw -- Damaged good(s) -- My house is a garbage fire because I clean it -- And that's why I can never go back to the post office again -- I am a magpie -- Up divorce creek without a paddle (because the guide didn't trust me not to push Victor overboard with it) -- Eclipse (not the Twilight book, the other kind) -- Business ideas to pitch on Shark Tank -- Strange new weather patterns -- Souls.